Ramblings- Marriage

So. I would totally love to get married. Just the entire idea of it, two people connecting heart and soul and agreeing to trust and love each other for the rest of their lives and actually MEAN IT! Sounds so amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the typical "I wanna grow up and have kids and get that special little suburban home and end up getting a divorce that will ruin my family. Then go psycho because I have no idea what to do with my life from that point on and drink myself into a stupor and go around dry humping people, making a complete mockery of life itself but I don't care anyway cuz I just lost my kids, my husband, and my home." I'm not marriage obsessed. I just think that the thought is nice.  I see pictures now of people I know from school, people my age and YOUNGER getting married. Having kids. I know for me personally, all that would be way too soon right now. Doesn't mean I wouldn't love to have it in the future, ya know? To be able to completely give myself to a person in every aspect, and to be completely happy with said person. Part of me thinks that such a bond doesn't even exist these days. But the other part, the optimistic part, wants to believe in it. For what is life without love? I believe it's pointless. Why can't I find that one? That one who will accept all my flaws because that's part of what makes him love me. The one that looks forward to going to bed, just because they know I'll be laying peacefully beside them. The one that enjoys spending time with me because conversation just flows, and even if interests aren't the same we're both willing to learn about the others and try to at least have fun doing it with them. WHERE DO I FIND THAT?! Everybody's been hurt too much nowadays. Trust has flown right out the window. So people put up these barricades around their real selves because they believe they won't be hurt that way. That may be true, but by doing so, you may miss the best thing in life to ever happen to you, love, and I refuse to do that. I keep my walls up about half way just for that person to finish knocking them down. And if they're the right one they'll be able to do it easily.  I wanna have a picture taken with said person, and just be able to tell by the looks on our faces, the gleam in our eyes, the smile on our face, and just the pure overall joy that we pull out of each other, that we are absolutely and completely in love. I see that in other people and I loooong for it. So badly. I just wanna hold hands. Take walks and enjoy nature. Small little kisses and arms wrapping around my waist. Being able to laugh together over the stupidest things. Being able to cry together over the most important things. When just one hug releases all the tension that's been built up since the last time you saw them. That's what I want. Can I have it, please?

Distress

Numb, didn't know the meaning of the word until now.
Distress, agony, hurt, pain, all of the above...
I'd seen other people feel this way.
Acted like I knew what they were going through.
But I didn't... I'd never been through anything like that.
Now I'm lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
How do you go on, knowing you caused somebody so much pain?
It's unbearable.

Hate & Self Loathing

Hate & Self Loathing.
Something I feel a lot.
I hate it though.
Feeling this way sucks.
I prefer to be happy.
I'm able to act that way sometimes.
And if I'm lucky... actually feel it.
But like I said, it's a rarity.
My friends all think I'm happy.
They don't know the truth.
I rarely let anyone in.
Because when I do, they end up breaking me.
It's so hard to rebuild myself.
And each time I end up losing a part of me.
It's at the point where I don't even know who I am anymore.
Each day feels like the last.
This repetitive feeling sucks.
I'm stuck.
And I don't know how to get out.
Can you save me?
Of course not.
Even if you did take the time to try, you would eventually fail.
That's all life is, is fail after fail after fail.
It totally sucks.
See what I mean with the repetitive?
I've only wrote the word "sucks" four times now.
Oh I need a life.

Alone In This Universe

I don't even know what i'm feeling right now.

I feel like giving up, like nothing's worth it anymore.

I need a change, for something to give.

But i'm stuck in this rut and I cannot get out.

I'm sick and tired of playing these games.

Why do I have to act like someone i'm not?

And how come i'm never good enough for anyone?

It's not like i'm a terrible person.

People just don't wanna take the time to get to know the real me.

Why Can't You See Me For Who I Am??

You sit there and judge me by what I say and do.
Did you ever stop to think that I do those things because I think it's what you want?
Nobody ever wants to take off the mask and see what's underneath.
I try to please you, but my efforts are in vain.
I wanna open up to you and just be myself, but you don't wanna let me.
It's like i'm hiding from your cruel gavel, sentencing me to life as a fake.

Accidental Thoughts

When you touch me, this feeling overcomes my whole body.
It's like a tingling sensation that I never want to end.
When I was growing up, I was told that these thoughts i'm having are bad.
I was told it was "sinful" to feel this way.
But the way you hold me, oh the way you hold me, it's absolutely amazing.
I just can't help but to imagine all of the possibilites.
Wether you touch me this way, or that way, my body always responds.
It's almost unbelievable that you can touch me that way.
I almost feel like we're not supposed to be doing this.
But I like the risk.
I like teetering on the edge of right and wrong.
It is completly worth it, knowing what will come next.
Just the light touch of your hand drives me completly crazy.
I never meant to have these "accidental thoughts".
They just sort of, happened.

Cut Me From These Strings!

You are the puppateer, and I am the puppet.
Made of wood, but I still feel.
The heart inside of this pile of strings still beats.
You make me do whatever you think is best for me.
When you're in control... you make me look like a fool.
When will my fairy come and turn me into a real girl??
I think that it's time to cut the strings and start walking my own path.

Starting Anew

In these times when we're near the end, we start to think back on all the good times we've had. Elementary activities of hand turkeys and singing the ABC's. Middle School memories of your first crush, and going to your first dance. High school celebrations with friends, prom, homecoming, varsity basketball games. We will never forget all these times we've shared together. Like the time when our high school principle got in the middle of the dance floor and showed us some old school moves. Or whenever Katie chased Jeremy around the playground to give him a cootie shot. With all things good, there must be a bad to opposite it. Like the time when Dustin's parents were robbed, and harmed, but they got through it. The community pulled together and helped them out. Friends made and never forgotten, loves had and lost, we will learn from these experiences. We are starting anew in this game called life, finally prepared for the next step. We will hopefully go on to find love and have families just like we did. So here's to the Class of '09... Good luck and hopefully it just gets better from here!

Do you remember your very first love? Coincidentally, mine was not that long ago. He was my best friend. It was undeniable that we were meant to be. I guess he just didn't see it that way. He led me on for three years, giving me hope the whole way. We'd get so close to being together, then something would happen. I thought that I was over him, and moved on. But talking to him like I did tonight tells me otherwise. I will always love him. No matter how much I tell myself that I hate him, I know that it's impossible.

Not Good Enough

When I was little, you were right behind me, pushing me all the way.

You said, "You can be anything you want to be."

Little did I know, you were lying. I try and I try to please you.

I go out of my way to get your attention, to get one measely compliment.

But no, you can't even grant me that.

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for you.

You say that I won't make anything of my life.

Maybe I should just stop trying.

My mind is literally blown. I just don't even f***ing know anymore. I spent the night at a friend's house last night, and my two best friends and my sister flipped out because some people at my friends house were doingdrugs. It's not like I was doing the drugs or drinking!! They went there tonight and pulled me out of the house and pretty much chewed me out in thecar, for doing absolutely f***ing nothing. They said that they care about me, and that they went and got me for my own good. They said that I could've gotten hurt, which is bullshit, because I am friends with the people who were there, and none of them would do anything like that, sober or not. Only one of them was actually doing drugs anyways.... It's just so f***ing stupid, and my best friends in the whole world are teaming up on me for absolutely nothing... saying that they don't wanna see me f*** my life up, when they know that I would never give into peer pressure and do shit like that. I just don't know what the f*** I should do....... I feel like everybody is against me for no damn good reason.....

When I'm Gone

I hate being away from home, away from you. While i'm gone, all we can do is talk on the phone. The sound of your voice is a reminder of home, and I yearn for your arms. All the sweet nothings, all the promises you make, I can't get enough. I don't want to say goodbye, but I love it, because the sound of your kiss is what I wait for everyday. So goodnight my love, dream about me, because you know i'll be dreaming about you.

Shattered Expectations

I expected you to fall, but you didn't. I thought that you would keep drowning, but you saved yourself. I expected your life to end soon, cut short by your own foolish dealings. I thought that you would arise to nothing, judging by your previous mistakes. I never expected you to become what you are now. I never thought that you would make something of yourself, and prove me wrong. I never expected you to be able to live right, but you do. I never thought that you could love me like you do. I never expected to love you in return, but i'm head over heels. You really shattered my expectations.

How We Should Be

When you say "I love you", I want you to mean it. Don't just say it because you think it's what i want to hear.When you kiss me so passionately that the butterflies don't stop fluttering, I want you to mean it. I don't want to mistake hormones for love.When you share your deepest darkest secrets with me, make sure that i'm the one. Don't let me into your life if you're not ready for me yet.Please, oh please, don't blame yourself for my mistakes. Let me learn from them and move on with my life.Stand next to me, not in front of or behind me. We are equal and we both have the same needs.Dance with me when it's raining, sing with me when the sun shines, and hold me close when I need you.Just love me for who I am, and try not to forsake me.

Dear Uncle

We were gathered round to celebrate the New Years. Reminiscing, telling stories, and making
new memories. We all knew that you didn't have long to live. We tried not to think about it,
but it was on the back of all our minds. We tried to make your dying moments on earth as
fun and light hearted as possible. You saw our smiling faces and was overjoyed. After we
welcomed in the New Year and it was time to leave, we began to dread what came next.
People started crying, wishing that you didn't have to go. You were very weak, so you laid
down to rest. Everybody hugged and kissed you, saying their last goodbyes. When it was
my turn to say farewell, I just waved and said I loved you. From the hallway, no hugs or kisses,
just a simple wave. I didn't have the strength to say goodbye. I didn't want to appear as weak.
We left, and my silent tears flowed like a river in the backseat. You died a few weeks
later. I regret not holding you that one last time. I wish that I could have been stronger. I
know that you are reading this right now, and that you can understand what I'm saying.
Maybe God had a reason for my weakness. Maybe it was a lesson to never let anyone leave
you without telling them how you feel. I will never make that mistake again. I will make
sure that my loved ones know how I feel. So make sure you learn from this and let people
know how you feel!! I miss you uncle!!

Closed Book

My life is a closed book.The cover is kinda shabby, but in good condition.If you could open the book, a story full of beauty and pain would unfold before you. On the cover there is a lock, but the key is nowhere to be found.I'm just waiting for the person with the key to unlock it. It might take a while, but I'm willing to wait.Because when that key is fitted inside that lock, and the book is opened, all of my secrets will be revealed.There will be nothing left to hide. I will be at ease knowing that for this one person, I am no longer a closed book. I am an open book, with blank pages left, for the rest of my story to be written.

Faces

Everywhere I look, all I see is faces. At school, at the store, in the mirror. Everybody keeps their problems hidden.Afraid to show the world who they really are.We have our faces on from the time we wake up, till the time we go to sleep.We wouldn't know who we were if we removed our masks.Walking around, it's as if I'm at a masquerade ball.As I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, I prepare myself to wake up to a world of faces.

Standards

I am an average girl with average looks. Just because I am not supermodel hot, does that mean that I am any lesser of a person?There are so many standards today that people try to live up to.People die without ever meeting these standards.The media makes you think that if you don't look a certain way,then you aren't a good person.Well I think that I am a beautiful person. I don't need to be super skinny, or have a gorgeous face.I just need to be myself and that should be enough for this world. Why can't you just accept me for who I am?I will never be able to live up to your standards. So I might as well not even try.I'll just be happy being me. And live life my own way, and by my own standards.

Stupid Boy

Stupid Boy
Why can't you see the way I feel about you?
Stupid Boy.
Why can't you feel the same way about me?
Stupid Boy.
I've sent you so many signals.
Stupid Boy.
But still you just don't see.
Stupid Boy.
Why can't you see that I love you?

Always Remember

I was only eleven on 9/11.I didn't understand what was going on.I was too young to comprehend.I didn't even know what a terrorist attack was.So much was going on all at once. All of the adults were crying.Everybody seemed lost. I didn't cry about it until I was 16.All of it just hit me at once.The loss of life, the brave men and women, the cruelty of some people.I now try to remember everyday. I pray for the ones who have fallen, and the ones who have survived.I pray that this life will get better, and that the world isn't so evil. I will always remember.

Without You

An uncontrollable sadness is seeping from my heart, like fresh blood flowing out of an open wound. My heart seems to have stopped forever. I know not if it will ever beat again. You and I were like the sun and the moon. Completely opposite but worthless without each other. You've been taken from me without warning. There was just no way of knowing. You were my light in the darkness. I don't know if I will ever be able to find my way again. So until the time comes when I am no longer blind, I will be waiting for a new light to appear that will guide me to a new life. Not a life that forgets, but a life that remembers, and lives for that memory.

What You Don't Realize

I see you standing there...Joint in hand, acting like it's all cool...What you don't realize...Is that you're losing yourself...Slowly but surely, you're falling..I try to prevent it...But how can I help you if you won't let me...You say that nothing's wrong...That you have it all figured out...But we both know you lie...

Soft Goodbye

You lay in your bed, and I hold your hand.You're weak and I can see the pain in your eyes.You writhe and moan, and I can do naught but to watch.You say that this is how it has to be.That there's nothing that anybody can do to help.You say that God is calling you.When they diagnosed you with the cancer, none of us could believe it.But you were brave when faced with adversity, fighting it every step of the way.We all supported you, but the doctors said that you wouldn't survive.You accepted your fate, and lived your last moments on earth to the max.You loved with all your heart, you sang with all your soul, and you danced with all your might.You lay in your bed, and I hold your hand.I'm crying, and you gently say that it will all be okay, and that you will see me in heaven.I tell you I love you, and you say it back with your dying breath.I see the life leave your body, and I whisper a soft goodbye.

Don't Act Like You Care

For years you left me to fend for myself...

You made me grow up when I still had years of innocence left...

You made me take care of your responsibilities when I didn't even have any of my own yet...

You went and ruined your life and there was nothing I could do to stop it...
Now you pretend that you care...

You pretend that nothing ever happened and that everything is okay...
Just stop pretending...

You went and ruined your life, and along with it part of mine...

You can't make up for that...

So just stop trying...

He Said

He said "It's okay, I just want to show you somewhere special."She believed him.He said "Don't be scared, it's just down this alley."She believed him.He said "Just let me kiss you. I'm harmless."She believed him.He said "It will feel good. Just let me touch you."She believed him.He said "This won't hurt, not much anyways."She believed him.He said "Stop fighting me! I won't hurt you!"She didn't believe him.Her body was found the next day.